I am ready

I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in
Pull me out from inside
I am folded and unfolded and unfolding
I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am fine
(Counting Crows - colorblind)

***

Its hard to express my feelings right now. I really felt like through a series of events, and requests, and just plain God playing God, the pieces of the puzzle have fallen into place. I met a man, in the most unlikely of events, in the most unlikely of places. I broke all my rules and let my instincts take charge.

He is kind, and nice, a gentleman and funny. But he isnt perfect, and neither am I. We are both older, wiser, and not delusional. There is no bullshit, no lies. No pretending to like something just because the other person likes it too. No pretending that this means any more than what it is. No setting up high expectations that the other person is 'The one' just to watch it burn up in flames when the other person cant live up to it.

The honesty is truly refreshing to me. To truly be yourself even in the presence of another person you would like to melt and mold into. For the first time for me, I hang back. I let my quirkiness and my personality hold on. I resist. I keep Me.

And so, even in us being ourselves we find similarities, we are both an open book. I figure, I am leaving, there is nothing at stake, nothing to lose and maybe he feels the same way too. So we jump. Head first, holding hands, into this great big adventure. Spontaneous, between the both of us, we book a trip together. Our first vacation, 2 days after we first met.

But there are so many things that come back at me. Remembering an ex love who never really wanted to go anywhere with me, that every trip we took together felt like I was the one driving it, pushing it. Here is a man who wants to hold me tight to sleep, and wake up next to me. There, was a man whom I used to watch from across the bed, who refused to hold me to sleep, and eventually refused to hold me at all. And it killed me, slowly, unknowingly, it slowly splintered my heart.

These are the scars that I rub over with my fingers. I remember the battle Ive been through

And so. This man holds me no promise of the future. He is not my forever after. But he is the first step. He is the man who holds my hand and guides me across the river. He is a reminder that even for me, relationships are not always as fucked up or as doomed as they come across.

He reminds me of possibilities. Just sheer hope, and possibilities.

And its a nice warm feeling in me. To know, that I am ready now. I am ready, I am fine.