For now

I am writing again. This time though, I am writing a story. A long winded, confusing story that I have intertwined with parts of my life and part of my creation. I am lost, working on it, breathing it, living it. The words flow out of me like an unebbing river. I lose track of time, and I realize the story. The story. Is all that I think about these days.

Perhaps this is what it is, to love what you do so much that you never notice the time. That really, in all honest, all I want to do is sit here and finish this story, just hash it out completely. I dont want to stop until its all out of me, all my words, all my ideas.

The story is there, in my head. I just need to get it on to paper now, and perhaps one day, if Im really really lucky. You might be able to read it too

European winter

I am slowly trying to settle in, though I have yet to move into my permanent residence. Instead, I am left here writing on the top floor in small hotel with a great view into the backyard. Spying into the real moments of Dutch life, a group of people drinking wine together in the dining room on a Friday night, teachers standing in front of a white board teaching groups of students. A pink sunrise behind the clock tower.

Im about to head back to Malaysia for a little bit. Two meetings back to back back in Asia. After that, I return to Europe, and for how long this time, I have no idea.

I have walked all over Amsterdam, and I am looking forward to cycling around the city as well. My office is in the middle of a beautiful forest area in Zeist and I spend every morning cycling for five minutes through the fall foliage from the train station in. The greatest way to start any day.

I plan non-stop in my head. As soon as I unpack, as soon as I settle in, I will be back on my itchy feet, wandering around Europe. I am hoping to do a new country at least once a month and am thinking of starting it off with a Viennese ball. What could be prettier, than a beautiful winter in Vienna. After all, if youre going to be freezing cold, you might as well be freezing cold in a city with great music, snow, bright lights and light feet.

In February I plan to head off to Norway and to spend the winter staring up up into the sky, watching the Northern lights dance away across the sky. I had always wished that I would be able to see it with my someone special, if I was lucky enough with that someone special for the rest of my life. But then again, I am someone special, so I might as well treat me to the worlds most magical show.

I am still at lost for March - perhaps I shall take on my friends offers and visit Germany or Prague or Slovakia. Or perhaps I wont need to choose between all three of it.

Come April I think I should try to stay put. It is supposed to be beautiful here too by then, the time when people start flocking back into the city. Short trips all around Netherlands, short trips perhaps to Belgium as well.

May comes my last month here, and I leave no plans for it just yet.

New years just around the corner, should I try to ring in the bell from London? this time making sure I make the celebratory fireworks, rewriting my London New Years of 2004 that was spent indoors watching a re-run of the Friends finale.

Finally

I am finally here. The crisp clean air, and bright sunshine welcomes me to my first day in Amsterdam. Fortunately I managed to sleep quite a bit on my overnight 12 hours flight into this city, and have evaded jet lag quite a bit.

The orange, browns and greens of leaves on the ground,with the sunlight shining through invites me back to Europe. Oh how I have missed you. Amsterdam is quieter. And I almost laugh out lout with glee at the sight of all the bicycles cruising by. I feel like an ant here. I am about a head shorter than almost everyone on average and wearing my high heels no longer an option.

I walk. After all its the best way to feel a city, feel its heartbeat. I walk over bridges and canals with their boats moored by. I walk through the boulevards with leaves falling gently down on me. I cannot wait to have my coffee outside, wrapped in my long wool jacket.

My fashion sense needs to be re-wired and it takes me much much longer than my usual 10 minutes to get dressed to assess what would keep me warm. For now, function (semi) triumphs over fashion.

I am reminded so much of Paris. I cannot wait to return to my European cliche. As I walk around, I am still astounded. It is taking a while to sink in. But this is it. I live here now. I belong in Amsterdam.

It has been a while since butterflies last floated through my stomach. This is it. I have returned, and I cannot wait for the adventures to begin.

A forever ago

I look back and realize, I was in love with you a forever ago, but I am still in love with the me I have become.

***

The truth of the matter is, I detest... ABSOLUTELY detest, women who make a decision for a man. I know women who are willing to move to a new country, drop everything at the drop of a hat when a man asks them too.

Im not talking about long term commitments here, Im talking about women in short term relationships here.

And you know what, besides that, I detest women who stick with a boyfriend even when they no longer love them. Who hold on because life alone is that much more scary. Those who hold on to someone, find someone else, and THEN only break up with the first guy. Those who need to be needed to be validated

Adding to that list are women who go around NON-STOP looking for man. Women who would go and pick up ANYONE just to try and find something... someone, to fill in that lonely gap in their heart. Women who cant look in the mirror and realize how truly amazing they are, and that if a man can't see that, than too bad for them, but if she cant see how amazing she is, how devastating for her.

Im just cranky right now. And ranting
*RAWR*

Sometimes in life things dont necessarily go your way

I was having a nice long online chat with a good friend today, and we chanced upon the topic of my move. And how she felt about it.

"So jealous" she says

And I thought to myself, why I've been jealous of her too. Of her travelling, being so mobile, being so adventurous. Of her having found a great man, a partner who is willing to travel with her. Ive been jealous of my other friends who decided to take a leap of faith and take on a new job, a new geography. A new life.

I know that inside, we are truly deeply happy for our friends, and wish them nothing but greatness, success. But a part of us will be, and will ask

"why not me?"

Ive come to realize over the past few weeks, months, a year or two even. Sometimes I do get consumed by this insane irrational feeling. It isnt so much jealousy as it is anger and frustration at the injustice the world throws at you. You feel that you too deserve what others are getting. That that other person doesnt deserve it, hasnt even worked as hard at it, hasnt even tried, and somehow the universe just delivers things on a silver platter to them.

Is life greener on the other side? Yes, some of my friends may envy the life I am about to embark on, but lets face it. I have no idea if this would be great or the worst year of my life. I have no idea if Im about to be kidnapped in Europe, or have the best dancing time in Africa. I have no idea if this would be the start of something brand new.

But at the same time, I also realized... I cant live in limbo like this. Constantly waiting for the next big milestone to symbolize the start of a new life, the challenge of something new. Life doesnt start now, life IS now. And we all need to embrace it, and look at the details of our lives for the things we should appreciate more.

By the way, that green eyed monster? Stare deep into its eye, ask yourself what is it that you are really worried about? be honest, admit jealousy if it really is that... and you will realize. The minute you identify it, that green eyed monster - he isnt so scary anymore

Dutch immersion class #2

Dance!

So I was with my team one late evening after work, when my colleague suggests we take a break and loosen up a bit with dance. I thought, ok. And then they played this song

Famous song

And then they danced.

I was cracking up like a madman. Apparently nobody really cares how you look like when youre dancing (which is my fav type of dancing btw). They all just shuffled and hopped and moved around in their own world. U can go a little crazy as well. But apparently, it all boils down to footwork. Dutch people tend to dance more with their feet than anything else. Ive tried looking for a youtube of a typically group of Dutch dancing, but couldnt find one.... I guess Ill just have to try and secretly video my colleagues, or wait till Im in Amsterdam!

Dutch immersion class #1

As some of you may know, my year kinda looks like this - 3 months KL, 3 months Asia (somewhere), 6 months Amsterdam. So it was quite nice to be working with a fully Dutch team for the first 3 months to slowly ease me into the Dutch way. And p/s I've never been to Amsterdam.

One of the stories my colleague Ms. C told me was the story of Black Petes and Sinterklaas. A twisted remake (I think) of the traditional Christmas story, this story has Sinterklaas (St. Nick) travelling to Netherlands from Spain sometime in early December... on a steamship

Me: Why is he from Spain?
Ms. C: I dont know. I think its supposed to be more exotic like that.

So Sinterklaas comes a little earlier to Netherlands and spends about a week there doing... pretty much nobody really knows what he's doing. But then he travels around on a horse. And in case you were wondering, no Im not really sure how big Sinterklaas is supposed to be, coz I mean poor horse right?

On the eve of celebration (December 4th) Children everwhere leave out their shoes by the chimney and sing a song (in Dutch). If they are good, they'll come back the next morning to find their shoes stuffed with candy... or even better, presents. Otherwise... well I dont really know about you but Im not sure if candy stuffed into your old shoe is a real present or not.

Me: So if he's from Spain, why do the children sing to him in Dutch?
Ms. C: ...
Me: I mean, its not like he would understand Dutch right?
Ms. C: Well, since he spends a few weeks in Netherlands before he gives out gifts, he must have picked up Dutch
Me: True, I guess otherwise how is he supposed to order his food and drinks right?

Sinterklaas is helped out by 6 to 8 helpers known as the Black Petes to get his gifts around

Me: So are they elves?
Ms. C: No... theyre.. how do you say it.. black men

At this point I thought we were having a language barrier

Me: Like ... golliwogs?
Ms. C: No no, like.. well not African men, but like men who comes down chimneys, and thats why theyre black. Its not racist.

And all of them help him out at one time. i.e. all of them are in the house together. I dont know, maybe its harder to navigate Dutch chimneys, so they may need a few more guys.

Ms. C: But of course, nowadays most houses dont have chimneys, so you just put the shoes at the back door.

So there you have it my friends, the amazing Dutch story and how they celebrate Christmas. I cant wait!!! to head on over there.

As with many fairy tales like this, there are quite a few versions out there. Click here if you wanted to see David Sedaris' version

And early Vrolijk Christmans!

Bombay calling

I land in Delhi and am immediately disoriented. The airport is spiffy white, clean and pristine. For a minute I wonder if I am still grounded in KL, or have I perhaps been re-routed to another airport; another city. I walk outside and am hit by the memories of India. I turn and see an area of white taxis, all guaranteeing the use of metered taxis. I am even more disoriented. This is not the India I remember.

(Delhi's new airport)

Perhaps it is only Delhi, I remind myself. Maybe the beautiful memories I had of Bombay's chaos still reigns. But no. I land in Bombay a day later to muted sounds, muted colors. Nary the hordes of people I remember being on the streets. Standing. Sitting. Idle. Instead, the city moves (faster than Jakarta too I might add). There are no longer cows standing in the middle of the street munching random things as random people walk around giving them a pat for good luck and the crowds of cars maneuvering around them.

The cars still carry with them the crazy colorful signs - honk please. Begging for the sounds of the streets to carry the conversations home

(Honk OK Please)

*honk* = Hello!

*honk* = get out of my way

*honk* = I see you

*honk* = hey! I see you too!

*honk* = isnt it a good day today?

*honk* = its time for lunch!

But some things remain the same. India's brutal honest truth in your face. Never covering up who they are, never pretending to be something they're not. They wear their whole lives on their sleeves or on their streets. Every cliche you have heard of India true, all your senses will be overloaded by the smell, the sounds. Your eyes flooded with the sights of people sleeping by the side of the roads. Random children coming up and tapping your windows, touching you, holding you, begging for something. For everything.

                               
                                              (Old Ambassadors still being used)

Singapore

Seasons change, people change

Dinner with old friends from college. An ex actually, though an ex-what was something I never truly solved. Together with him one of his closest friend. She became a close friend of mine too over the years.

Every time I come down to Singapore I try to meet up with them. She and I get along well and I like her company. He and I probably hicupped along post our post college demise until suddenly one day it all worked out, and we could be friends exactly as friends could.

I found out tonight her husband had recently left his job.

"Things change so fast, the next thing I know, Ill come back and ex would be married"
"Actually maybe that's not so far ahead in the cards"

As I left him goodbye, and the cab drove away - Adele's Someone like you starts playing.
Such bittersweet irony.

But the thing is, what is this year if not one to look back and reflect and to learn. With him, I learnt to be stronger, I was reminded to not let people walk all over me. With him, I learnt to walk away.

I truly believe that you go through life with numerous soulmates. At that point in your life, with who you are as a person, perhaps that person was the right one for you. But as you change, and life changes, the right person for you changes too. He wasn't right for me, and he will never be right for me. But right now, with all my heart, I wish him a lifetime of happiness.

Beijing - unfinished business

In countries of a billion people, you will never feel alone.

I land first in Beijing, enveloped by old memories of my trip to China last year. It was one of the best vacations Ive ever had. Blue sky and perfect weather the whole time I was here last year. I was fascinated by the great beauty and precision of China, hanging on the other extreme of chaos you will find in India. I pray that this time around, it would be just as beautiful as the last.

I go through to the taxi stand and start the soon to be regular routine of pointing, mimicking, and attempting to communicate in my nearly non-existant Mandarin

Wo de piku hen ta* - my last vestige of Mandarin would not be useful here.

We get to the hotel located so close to The Forbidden City and Tiananmen square. In 1946, the Jade Garden Hotel was the headquarters of the communist ceasefire delegation and was designated a historical landmark. The facade a similar representation to the rest of the hutongs with its grey brick facade.

I walk out and decide to head to The Temple of Heaven, a location I had missed on my last trip to China. Even in Beijing's great hustle and bustle, I love that you can head to quiet locations just for yourself.

By the time I get to The Temple of Heaven, admissions have been closed. I opt instead to just walk around and enjoy the evening activities around the park. I head towards the Hall of Prayers and hear a slap slap nearby. I walk on to see a long row of elder people playing card games along the corridors. Slapping down their cards. I hear singing emanating through the park, with beautiful string instruments playing in the background. Kites flying in the air. Cypress trees forming a forest. Walking alone and barely seeing other people.

I watch as groups of people kick around a shuttlecock, an interesting mix of Sepak Takraw from Malaysia with a fusion of badminton. The old people dont look so old, fit in age, and healthy. They stretch to tai chi, wave their hands to modern dance and pause in wushu, their swords pointing directly at me.

As I leave, a pink sunset descends, and I look behind me to see the Hall of Prayer for Good Harvest in the background. In the foreground, soft waltz music and an entire group of people learning the dance. They start separately, men and women practising on their own and then they merge, partner to partner, cheek to cheek.

You are reminded then of great beauty in this world.

***
Day 2

I leave my hotel and walk towards my office, realizing as we got there that its actually located within the Forbidden city itself. Why of why cant my company's office be located in as cool a place.

It isnt within the Forbidden City proper, but within one of the gates leading to the city. It turns out that we share the location with other NGOs but there is enough room for everyone. They have kept the old facade of the building, but instead opted to decorate the inside with bad copies of European art. Completely disconnecting from the beauty of the place.

After our meeting I walk outside with my manager and was greeted by the sight of a group of soldiers/ guards marching around as four different couples take their wedding pictures in this picturesque location. It is amazing, really how much more laid back it felt by just having an office in this location.

I look forward to returning and working here again hopefully not in the distant future.

Lessons learnt

My friend Miss N quit consulting as well a while ago and she too decided to join an NGO (permanently). When I used to visit her and hear her stories I was in awe. Salary as good as us consultants? Business class flights? Top end hotels? Worldwide travels?! I was so jealous, and I looked forward to similar things when I decided to join the NGO.

NOT TRUE.

MANAGE YOUR EXPECTATIONS.

Miss N was lucky I guess, to be in a place where she was offered all that. But as for me, ... well lets just say here were a few words of wisdom she left me with

1) Nobody moves as fast as we used to

Its true. In my previous company e-mails get responded to within 10 minutes. Even less sometimes. When you send out a request you expect people to understand that its urgent, and that you will hear back from them soon. Processes are efficient. Reimbursements come on time (well, most of the time). There are very clear principles, and guidelines. Our knowledge management system is efficient and trying to find data could take a day at max with you leveraging every network research staff.

In the real world people take more than 10 minutes to respond. They are not all married to their blackberries. Why some of them don't even have one (WTH?????) Sometimes it takes a full day to hear back from them.

Sometimes the dont even respond (WTH?????!!)

Oh, and you are the master of your own googling for data, and research. Trust me, I learnt that the hard way.

That brings me to lesson number two

2) You are the master of your own universe

It can be a good thing, it can be a bad thing. But essentially it means you have control of everything. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. Be it the ridiculous flights you are trying to schedule - while trying to work within set budget - except you can't really because nobody has responded to your emails on guidelines, to booking your own hotels and reading up on agoda.com and trip advisor and google maps because you want to be relatively close to your office whilst staying in a hotel that isnt used for prosititution. To of course your own work hours, your lunch hours, your meet with friends hours. Your sleep and exercise hours. The universe is yours.

Learning to shed your old life is entirely up to you. The new Associate (who is currently working with me) asked me politely when I sent her yet another email at 10:00 p.m. to finish up a survey if "it wasn't urgent, would it be ok to work on this tomorrow". I stopped. Paused. And thought.

"Tomorrow. Indeed, why couldnt this wait until tomorrow."

Welcome to my new work life balance.

3) Be prepared to not live 'the good life'

Say goodbye to your personalized butler service, five star St. Regis, ability to charge food, drinks, laundry, phone bills...

Hello to cute little hotels (without windows) which are actually not that bad.

Learn to appreciate the other aspects of life. Like the fact that you get to stay in boutique hotels. Cute little non-chains which truth be told are unlikely to be any terrorist targets. Like the fact that you need to learn how to budget, to not spend every penny. To meticulously assess all your actions. To remember to count your own blessings

4) Be prepared to be thrown into the deep end

Dont know much about the topic? Dont really understand whats going on?? Leverage your consultant know how to ramp-up and speed up on topics at hand to be the expert you're meant to be. Which trust me can be quite challenging without your usual arsenal of consulting tools to pick up from

And lastly...

5) Stop speaking in bullet points

Stop using words like 'key' 'leverage'... stop with the consulting jokes.

Learn to speak like a normal person again.

Then live like a normal person again.

Not all those who wander are lost...

Welcome.

Let me be honest with you. I had been thinking for a while now, about a change in career. I was a paper pushing, slide making, excel junkie consultant. I enjoyed it for a little bit, the continuous change, the big questions, the strategies. I loved the life it gave me, afforded me. Making more than almost every single one of my peers. Being able to buy whatever I wanted without even thinking.

But there were downsides. I spent most nights dreading the morning. I barely got enough sleep. I lost too much weight, put on too much weight. I cried. A lot. I never wanted to leave my bed.

I had dreams. Ambitions. I wanted to dance. Read. Travel. Run. I wanted to pick up my bags and just disappear.

I wanted to just disappear.

So... after long deliberations, and long long thoughts. I worked together with my company to carve a way out for me, temporarily. I 'quit' my job. Though quitting is too strong a term. I am trying out new things. Moving out of my comfort zone. I am taking this year off, to wander, while at the same time. To remember, the person I used to be. The way I used to grow up. The hunger I used to have.

These will be my adventures