A forever ago

I look back and realize, I was in love with you a forever ago, but I am still in love with the me I have become.

***

The truth of the matter is, I detest... ABSOLUTELY detest, women who make a decision for a man. I know women who are willing to move to a new country, drop everything at the drop of a hat when a man asks them too.

Im not talking about long term commitments here, Im talking about women in short term relationships here.

And you know what, besides that, I detest women who stick with a boyfriend even when they no longer love them. Who hold on because life alone is that much more scary. Those who hold on to someone, find someone else, and THEN only break up with the first guy. Those who need to be needed to be validated

Adding to that list are women who go around NON-STOP looking for man. Women who would go and pick up ANYONE just to try and find something... someone, to fill in that lonely gap in their heart. Women who cant look in the mirror and realize how truly amazing they are, and that if a man can't see that, than too bad for them, but if she cant see how amazing she is, how devastating for her.

Im just cranky right now. And ranting
*RAWR*

Sometimes in life things dont necessarily go your way

I was having a nice long online chat with a good friend today, and we chanced upon the topic of my move. And how she felt about it.

"So jealous" she says

And I thought to myself, why I've been jealous of her too. Of her travelling, being so mobile, being so adventurous. Of her having found a great man, a partner who is willing to travel with her. Ive been jealous of my other friends who decided to take a leap of faith and take on a new job, a new geography. A new life.

I know that inside, we are truly deeply happy for our friends, and wish them nothing but greatness, success. But a part of us will be, and will ask

"why not me?"

Ive come to realize over the past few weeks, months, a year or two even. Sometimes I do get consumed by this insane irrational feeling. It isnt so much jealousy as it is anger and frustration at the injustice the world throws at you. You feel that you too deserve what others are getting. That that other person doesnt deserve it, hasnt even worked as hard at it, hasnt even tried, and somehow the universe just delivers things on a silver platter to them.

Is life greener on the other side? Yes, some of my friends may envy the life I am about to embark on, but lets face it. I have no idea if this would be great or the worst year of my life. I have no idea if Im about to be kidnapped in Europe, or have the best dancing time in Africa. I have no idea if this would be the start of something brand new.

But at the same time, I also realized... I cant live in limbo like this. Constantly waiting for the next big milestone to symbolize the start of a new life, the challenge of something new. Life doesnt start now, life IS now. And we all need to embrace it, and look at the details of our lives for the things we should appreciate more.

By the way, that green eyed monster? Stare deep into its eye, ask yourself what is it that you are really worried about? be honest, admit jealousy if it really is that... and you will realize. The minute you identify it, that green eyed monster - he isnt so scary anymore

Dutch immersion class #2

Dance!

So I was with my team one late evening after work, when my colleague suggests we take a break and loosen up a bit with dance. I thought, ok. And then they played this song

Famous song

And then they danced.

I was cracking up like a madman. Apparently nobody really cares how you look like when youre dancing (which is my fav type of dancing btw). They all just shuffled and hopped and moved around in their own world. U can go a little crazy as well. But apparently, it all boils down to footwork. Dutch people tend to dance more with their feet than anything else. Ive tried looking for a youtube of a typically group of Dutch dancing, but couldnt find one.... I guess Ill just have to try and secretly video my colleagues, or wait till Im in Amsterdam!

Dutch immersion class #1

As some of you may know, my year kinda looks like this - 3 months KL, 3 months Asia (somewhere), 6 months Amsterdam. So it was quite nice to be working with a fully Dutch team for the first 3 months to slowly ease me into the Dutch way. And p/s I've never been to Amsterdam.

One of the stories my colleague Ms. C told me was the story of Black Petes and Sinterklaas. A twisted remake (I think) of the traditional Christmas story, this story has Sinterklaas (St. Nick) travelling to Netherlands from Spain sometime in early December... on a steamship

Me: Why is he from Spain?
Ms. C: I dont know. I think its supposed to be more exotic like that.

So Sinterklaas comes a little earlier to Netherlands and spends about a week there doing... pretty much nobody really knows what he's doing. But then he travels around on a horse. And in case you were wondering, no Im not really sure how big Sinterklaas is supposed to be, coz I mean poor horse right?

On the eve of celebration (December 4th) Children everwhere leave out their shoes by the chimney and sing a song (in Dutch). If they are good, they'll come back the next morning to find their shoes stuffed with candy... or even better, presents. Otherwise... well I dont really know about you but Im not sure if candy stuffed into your old shoe is a real present or not.

Me: So if he's from Spain, why do the children sing to him in Dutch?
Ms. C: ...
Me: I mean, its not like he would understand Dutch right?
Ms. C: Well, since he spends a few weeks in Netherlands before he gives out gifts, he must have picked up Dutch
Me: True, I guess otherwise how is he supposed to order his food and drinks right?

Sinterklaas is helped out by 6 to 8 helpers known as the Black Petes to get his gifts around

Me: So are they elves?
Ms. C: No... theyre.. how do you say it.. black men

At this point I thought we were having a language barrier

Me: Like ... golliwogs?
Ms. C: No no, like.. well not African men, but like men who comes down chimneys, and thats why theyre black. Its not racist.

And all of them help him out at one time. i.e. all of them are in the house together. I dont know, maybe its harder to navigate Dutch chimneys, so they may need a few more guys.

Ms. C: But of course, nowadays most houses dont have chimneys, so you just put the shoes at the back door.

So there you have it my friends, the amazing Dutch story and how they celebrate Christmas. I cant wait!!! to head on over there.

As with many fairy tales like this, there are quite a few versions out there. Click here if you wanted to see David Sedaris' version

And early Vrolijk Christmans!

Bombay calling

I land in Delhi and am immediately disoriented. The airport is spiffy white, clean and pristine. For a minute I wonder if I am still grounded in KL, or have I perhaps been re-routed to another airport; another city. I walk outside and am hit by the memories of India. I turn and see an area of white taxis, all guaranteeing the use of metered taxis. I am even more disoriented. This is not the India I remember.

(Delhi's new airport)

Perhaps it is only Delhi, I remind myself. Maybe the beautiful memories I had of Bombay's chaos still reigns. But no. I land in Bombay a day later to muted sounds, muted colors. Nary the hordes of people I remember being on the streets. Standing. Sitting. Idle. Instead, the city moves (faster than Jakarta too I might add). There are no longer cows standing in the middle of the street munching random things as random people walk around giving them a pat for good luck and the crowds of cars maneuvering around them.

The cars still carry with them the crazy colorful signs - honk please. Begging for the sounds of the streets to carry the conversations home

(Honk OK Please)

*honk* = Hello!

*honk* = get out of my way

*honk* = I see you

*honk* = hey! I see you too!

*honk* = isnt it a good day today?

*honk* = its time for lunch!

But some things remain the same. India's brutal honest truth in your face. Never covering up who they are, never pretending to be something they're not. They wear their whole lives on their sleeves or on their streets. Every cliche you have heard of India true, all your senses will be overloaded by the smell, the sounds. Your eyes flooded with the sights of people sleeping by the side of the roads. Random children coming up and tapping your windows, touching you, holding you, begging for something. For everything.

                               
                                              (Old Ambassadors still being used)

Singapore

Seasons change, people change

Dinner with old friends from college. An ex actually, though an ex-what was something I never truly solved. Together with him one of his closest friend. She became a close friend of mine too over the years.

Every time I come down to Singapore I try to meet up with them. She and I get along well and I like her company. He and I probably hicupped along post our post college demise until suddenly one day it all worked out, and we could be friends exactly as friends could.

I found out tonight her husband had recently left his job.

"Things change so fast, the next thing I know, Ill come back and ex would be married"
"Actually maybe that's not so far ahead in the cards"

As I left him goodbye, and the cab drove away - Adele's Someone like you starts playing.
Such bittersweet irony.

But the thing is, what is this year if not one to look back and reflect and to learn. With him, I learnt to be stronger, I was reminded to not let people walk all over me. With him, I learnt to walk away.

I truly believe that you go through life with numerous soulmates. At that point in your life, with who you are as a person, perhaps that person was the right one for you. But as you change, and life changes, the right person for you changes too. He wasn't right for me, and he will never be right for me. But right now, with all my heart, I wish him a lifetime of happiness.

Beijing - unfinished business

In countries of a billion people, you will never feel alone.

I land first in Beijing, enveloped by old memories of my trip to China last year. It was one of the best vacations Ive ever had. Blue sky and perfect weather the whole time I was here last year. I was fascinated by the great beauty and precision of China, hanging on the other extreme of chaos you will find in India. I pray that this time around, it would be just as beautiful as the last.

I go through to the taxi stand and start the soon to be regular routine of pointing, mimicking, and attempting to communicate in my nearly non-existant Mandarin

Wo de piku hen ta* - my last vestige of Mandarin would not be useful here.

We get to the hotel located so close to The Forbidden City and Tiananmen square. In 1946, the Jade Garden Hotel was the headquarters of the communist ceasefire delegation and was designated a historical landmark. The facade a similar representation to the rest of the hutongs with its grey brick facade.

I walk out and decide to head to The Temple of Heaven, a location I had missed on my last trip to China. Even in Beijing's great hustle and bustle, I love that you can head to quiet locations just for yourself.

By the time I get to The Temple of Heaven, admissions have been closed. I opt instead to just walk around and enjoy the evening activities around the park. I head towards the Hall of Prayers and hear a slap slap nearby. I walk on to see a long row of elder people playing card games along the corridors. Slapping down their cards. I hear singing emanating through the park, with beautiful string instruments playing in the background. Kites flying in the air. Cypress trees forming a forest. Walking alone and barely seeing other people.

I watch as groups of people kick around a shuttlecock, an interesting mix of Sepak Takraw from Malaysia with a fusion of badminton. The old people dont look so old, fit in age, and healthy. They stretch to tai chi, wave their hands to modern dance and pause in wushu, their swords pointing directly at me.

As I leave, a pink sunset descends, and I look behind me to see the Hall of Prayer for Good Harvest in the background. In the foreground, soft waltz music and an entire group of people learning the dance. They start separately, men and women practising on their own and then they merge, partner to partner, cheek to cheek.

You are reminded then of great beauty in this world.

***
Day 2

I leave my hotel and walk towards my office, realizing as we got there that its actually located within the Forbidden city itself. Why of why cant my company's office be located in as cool a place.

It isnt within the Forbidden City proper, but within one of the gates leading to the city. It turns out that we share the location with other NGOs but there is enough room for everyone. They have kept the old facade of the building, but instead opted to decorate the inside with bad copies of European art. Completely disconnecting from the beauty of the place.

After our meeting I walk outside with my manager and was greeted by the sight of a group of soldiers/ guards marching around as four different couples take their wedding pictures in this picturesque location. It is amazing, really how much more laid back it felt by just having an office in this location.

I look forward to returning and working here again hopefully not in the distant future.